March Search Madness

It’s that time again!

No, time to look at the search strings from the past month.

Also, time to apologize for that video; it’s the better of the two “Wheel of Morality” bits on YouTube, but it still kind of blows.

born again skeptics bible” – I think you’re looking for this.
what kind of food could make breast bigger” – There are just so many jokes, I don’t know where to begin.
God as rapist” – In order to rape someone, you have to exist.
Jesus Christ and Ego sum” – I read that as “I am Jesus Christ and Ego,” but I’m not sure if you mean you have a big ego (likely, since you think you’re Jesus), or if you’re claiming that the third arm of the Trinity was The Living Planet.
Descartes full of shit” – Positively overflowing, I believe, was the conclusion.
what kind of god is God” – the unlikely kind.
what kind of god are you?” – the wannabe kind.
generic eulogies” – You are a terrible excuse for a human being.
Sci-Fi Channel Shows” – you left out “suck.”
bumper Sticker: It’s a Baby Not a Choice” – I like Jess’s idea: “I’m a woman, not an incubator.”
pet crayfish facts” – They have ceased to be, I’m afraid. There were three left at the end, and I had to euthanize them; they wouldn’t have survived the trip home for break. If it’s any consolation, I felt really bad about it.
shakespeare on the law of attraction” – “it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing”–Macbeth Act V, scene v.
cool facts about crayfish” – they like peas.
“I want only the picture of the room in the last supper drawing”
dubito ergo sum horton hears a who prolife” & “things that make me happy blog horton hears a who” – Searches which brought our latest Anonymous pro-lifer all the way from Dayton, OH.
“explain This is the sum of the day: do nothing to others which, if done to you, would cause you pain” – The Ethic of Reciprocity; apparently this is a version out of the Koran. Seems a little more specific than the one in the Bible, which itself is more specific than the best available.
If Evolution Is Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Evolve+Blogspot” – And then the outlaws will be better adapted than the lawful people, and then what will you do?
I got over ten searches with some iteration of “moody bible institute professor discussing case for christ” or “first professor from moody bible institute to speak on the case for christ dvd” from all over the country, right in the last three or four days of March. Anyone know why? Did TBN show “Case for Christ” or something?

My favorite of those searches was this one, though: “case for christ dvd moody professor.” – “I want to find out who that moody professor was.”
curios+schrodinger’s cat+faith+sometime” – I’d love to buy some Schrödinger’s Cat curios, but I wouldn’t want to buy one on faith alone. I might open the box and find out it’s not what I wanted.
lolcat relaunch” – I can haz retcon?
ralph nader atheist” – Still a jackass. Thankfully, he doesn’t seem to be getting any media attention…or other attention, for that matter.
koinoniphobia confessions” – Unintelligible search of the month second runner-up.
“enfreude” s” – Unintelligible search of the month runner-up.
“whenever something is to unimportant it rejects it that is how the human mind works” – Unintelligible search of the month winner!
harvester of stillborn souls” – Not as messy as the Wheat Thresher of Discarded Afterbirth.
“”the secret” “bullshit” quantum” – Right on all counts.
2.71828 song” – “E-e-vil Woman”?
anti-feminist examples in “anthem” by ayn rand” – Well, let’s start with the author…
artl sex” – Isn’t that sex between die-cast tractors? Oh, that’s Ertl sex.
christianity exaggerated by followers” – Well, yeah, obviously.
comparing jesus and ceasar augustus” – I’m at a loss, both for facts and jokes. Anyone want to weigh in?
contenders for the real shakespeare” – In this corner, the Bard himself, the Swan from Avon, William Shakespeare! And in this corner, the Earl of Oxford, Christopher Marlowe, Ben Jonson, and about a gajillion others, without so much as a shred of evidence to overturn Occam’s Razor. It’s a TKO by the Brat from Strat!
did the apostles buy a donkey for jesus?” – Yeah, they were always spending money on Jesus’s ass.
dicto ergo sum” – What is that, ‘I dictate, therefore I am’?
do ergo sum” – “I give, therefore I am.” Nice name for a charity.
do do do …. dah dah dah … thats all i want to say to you” – Sting reads my blog?
hellbound atheism blog” – Guilty as charged.
im a agnostic and atheist bother me” – You’ll get over it.
it is better to mourn than to have joy” – Go cry, emo kid.
is dr seuss pro choice?” – Dr. Seuss isn’t pro-much of anything these days.
“tom foss nebraska” – I slept through it, both ways. No offense, Ryan.
what does t mean in the clapeyron equation” – It means “the letter that starts the word ‘the’.”
what God would look like” – I don’t know, but he’d sound like Alan Rickman.
attract what you want from ur thoughts” – I can haz wishful thinking?
cool facts about gel electrophoresis” – Um…all facts about gel electrophoresis.
things people have said about Dr. Seuss” – He got in a knife fight with Mercer Mayer and had a threesome with Stan and Jan Berenstain.
what are the 6 things that make up the atomic theory” – Electrons, protons, neutrons, Dopey, Sneezy, and Doc.
classic sex blogspot” – What?
what if mary had aborted jesus bumper sticker” – There’d be a lot fewer stupid bumper stickers, that’s for sure.
when to use words like ergo” – When you’re speaking Latin or pompous.
10 things i would do if i was god” – I hope one of them is “comment on this thread.”

Leaping into the Searches

Another batch of searches for the last month, give or take.

Our drive-by pro-lifer from good ol’ North Carolina came here searching for a person’s a person no matter how small bumoer sticker. I’m afraid you won’t find any stickers to support your bumper sticker philosophy here. I know, I know, what a “bumoer.”
Related searches: a person’s a person no matter how small shirt, buy horton hears a who pro life shirt. Why not all team up and come up with your own damn slogan, rather than aping the words of a man who didn’t agree with your nutjob positions?

Someone was looking for Greek plumb, but I’m not sure if they’re looking for someone to fix their aqueduct or the ingredients for Athenian prunes.

I’m not sure who triangleman jref is, but I’m willing to bet he hates “personman Deepak Chopra.”

what fun facts do you have about punnett square – They’re more conservative than Punnett Rhombuses.

bible versus eulogy for a father – My money’s on “Eulogy for a Father,” but I prefer “Funeral for a Friend

Someone wants to know why sex ed is okay and distributing condoms is not. I don’t know, because some people have latex allergies? I don’t see why they aren’t both okay.

stephanie miller claims 9-11 conspiracy – I sure hope not; I like Stephanie Miller.

Theology Class 2007 – “The 10-year reunion for the Theology Class of 2007 has been cancelled due to Rapture.”

average lifespan in first century judea – I’m not sure what it was, but you definitely can’t thank the Romans for it.

newton’s laws+shakespeare – A sonnet in iambic pentameter tends to stay in iambic pentameter unless acted upon by an outside spondee.

our thou art in barrels – Pilsner’s laws+shakespeare

sex ed for grown-ups movie – Yes, we call that “pornography.”

sex pun – The doctor’s wife to the divorce lawyer: “all I felt was a little prick.”

to be dah doo be doo – “You know Shakespeare?” “Maybe if you hum a few bars.”

why am i an athiest? – Because you don’t believe in god, maybe?

i trek ergo sum – As Trekkie slogans go, I prefer “I grok Spock.”