Salvation on Sale

So, I was walking through Wal-Mart with Jon a month or so ago. As usual, I dragged him through the toy aisles. After looking at various sorts of Transformers, we kind of wandered aimlessly into the clearance section. There usually isn’t anything of note in that den of iniquity, but that day was a special day. That day I found something that called out to me, a purchase that would be more worth the fifteen dollars than most anything I’d bought before or since…

I hope I can convince him to heal my Stretch Armstrong.
I justified the purchase by saying that it would save some poor kid from getting this instead of Starscream for Christmas from a well-meaning relative, but I was sold the moment I saw that they needed to include the “God’s Son” as a caption. I suppose it was necessary to distinguish this Jesus from “Jesus: Heroic Mechanical Warrior” and “Jesus: A Real American Hero,” which I’m pretty sure is Mormon Jesus.

So, I brought the Jesus figure home and immediately opened him up.
The Lord runs on button cells!
He’s not as well-articulated as I would have liked–just a swivel joint for the head, so he can neither look up to the heavens nor down at the supplicants. Nor does he have individually-poseable fingers and thumbs, just forefinger and the rest of the hand, so Jesus can neither do the “Buddy Christ” pose nor throw up the horns. And I hesitate to think what he might do for Mary Magdalene if he can’t rock her.

He’s a little sparse on the accessories–he comes with pretty much what you see in the picture: robe, sandals, rope-belt, and that stylish brown sash. It’s a good thing that this Jesus is so buff, because he’s not wearing anything under those robes.
Burt Reynolds died for your sins!
That’s right, ladies, this is Commando Jesus. Unlike Chocolate Jesus,” this savior is not anatomically correct. He’s also not made of delicious chocolate. Arguably, I suppose you could say that he’s simply wearing featureless white briefs, but since briefs didn’t exist in the first century C.E., I prefer to think that he’s simply blank below the belt.

As you might guess, Jesus comes packaged with a book. No, not the book you might expect. This book:
Oh, it's My First Jefferson Bible!
It’s a tiny paperback with four pages of really watered-down bits of scripture, which strangely enough happen to be a transcript of what Jesus says. That’s right, kids, when you press the button on his back, Jesus says one of three action phrases! There’s:

John 3:16: God loved the world so much that he sent his only Son to pay for sin so that whoever believes in him [sic] may not be punished but have everlasting life.


Mark 12:30: Love God with all of your heart and with all of your soul and with all of your mind and with all of your strength.


Mark 12:31: Love others as much as you love yourself.

And finally:

I am Jesus. I am the Son of God. I want to tell you a very special story about a day that I spent sitting on the side of a mountain teaching and helping many people. There were so many people there that day with me. And, when it started to get late, I knew that the people must be hungry. I wanted to feed everyone, but I didn’t have any money. There was a young boy nearby with five loaves of bread and two fish. It wasn’t enough food to feed so many people. But I took the bread and fish and [sic] I said a blessing over it. Then I handed out the food to all of the people. Everybody ate and ate, and there was plenty of food to go around. Even after everyone ate so much, we still had enough food left over to fill 12 baskets. When all the people saw this miracle, they were very excited! But they did not know I was the Son of God or that I was sent to save them.

Yeah, apparently the folks who made this particular figure didn’t quite understand that the “talking” of talking toys is supposed to be short and to the point, not over a minute long. Moreover, why is Jesus speaking in the third person? And how does he know what the book names and chapter numbers are, when those were decided centuries later? Chalk it up to divine mystery, I suppose. I’m just thankful that pressing the button a second time shuts him up. Incidentally, the booklet also contains some discussion questions, which I think might be fun for a future post.

Anyway, as you might have guessed, this purchase led directly to quite a bit of hilarity and blasphemy, and will continue to do so as long as I keep coming up with ideas. In the meantime, though, Jesus is going to catch up on a little light reading.
Next he's going to read 'There's a Monster at the End of this Book.'

11 Responses to Salvation on Sale

  1. Akusai says:

    That is awesome.

  2. RedFerret says:

    Wow, that beats the “Jesus – Pencil Toppers” my wife bought for me, hands down.TRF

  3. vjack says:

    Outstanding! I have to admit that I am a bit relieved to learn that I’m not the only one who cannot resist buying this sort of crap from time to time. Can you imagine the poor kid who might have opened this on Xmas morning? I’d say you did that kid a big favor.

  4. Wikinite says:

    you need to post the jesus reading dawkins to loltheist.

  5. Wikinite says:

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  6. chris says:

    How about take a picture with the figurine underwater, with it’s little flipflops floating on the surface?

  7. Bronze Dog says:

    Definitely one of the better sorts of impulse buys. My dad was tempted to jokingly purchase some kind of homeopathic cotton swab for my current bug. $9 was a little too much for that sort of humor.Action Jesus has far more potential humor applications.

  8. Doubting Tom says:

    Vjack: the Christmas morning thought was part of how I justified the purchase. I know I’ll get more enjoyment out of it than that kid–in fact, I already have.Wikinite: done.Chris: There are a few problems with that idea.1. I’m not sure that I can get the sandals back on if I take them off. That’s why he’s wearing them, and not socks, in the Risky Business post.2. The sandals appear to be made of felt and string, which means it’s unlikely that they’ll float. 3. Jesus is electronic, and I’d like him to stay that way for some time. This means that contact with liquid is generally a no-no. Bronze Dog: I have a similar feeling every time I see Kinoki footpads at the store. Sure, it’d make great blog fodder, but $20?

  9. Anonymous says:

    hii m doing M.Phil. in religious study. your blog is excellent.i wRangnath SinghIndia

  10. Anonymous says:

    hii m doing M.Phil. in religious study. your blog is excellent.Rangnath SinghIndia

  11. Doubting Tom says:

    Thanks, Rangnath! Glad you enjoy it.

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