What Kind of God Would You Be?

My God is awesome!I’m trying to start a meme. More on that in a moment. First, it’s anecdote time.

It’s been snowing quite a bit lately. On for a day or two, off for a day or two, and right now it’s pretty much a white-out. The next day or two are going to be great for sledding.
Now, I like snow an awful lot, but I really, really hate the cold. And given how much I hate the cold, I generally don’t get to go out and enjoy the snow anymore. There’s too much prep time, too much cleanup, and too much numb extremities for me to want to go out and spend an hour sliding down hills and making snow angels. Every time it’s like this, I think, “it’d be great if it could snow like this when it was 70 degrees out.”

But, for such a thing to happen, the basic physical properties of water would have to be altered, and that might cause some difficulties for everything else on our mostly-water planet.

But you know what? If I was God, it wouldn’t matter. I’d make it snow when it was 70 degrees, for all those of us who love snowmen and hate the cold, and it’d work out because I’d be omnipotent, and I could make it work out.

This, naturally, led me to think about what else I’d do if I was God, with my baseline being that I’m literally omnipotent, and so I’d make it so whatever I change won’t destroy the universe; it’s an “everything will work out because I say so” omnipotence. Here’s what I came up with:

  1. I’d be obvious. I’d make sure everyone knew for sure that I existed, and what I was like. Heck, I’d have a nice, sit-down dinner with each and every person in the world(s). Let them ask their questions, levy their complaints, and voice their concerns around the dinner table. Being a deity ought to require some measure of transparency.
  2. Resources for all! What’s with this whole “limited resources” schtick? I see no reason why all people and animals shouldn’t have all the space, food, and other resources they need, and I’ll take care of the deleterious effects on the environment. It’s about time there’s such a thing as a free lunch. Speaking of which…
  3. Manwich from Heaven. Okay, maybe not Manwich, but if the Jews could get manna raining down on them in the desert, why not everything else? And since I don’t know what Manna is, it seems useful to update it to things that people normally eat. Now, I wouldn’t want the world to turn into Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs (at least, not often), so I’m thinking little Ziggy-clouds of food rain showing up when people are really hungry.
  4. Let’s cut out this whole unnecessary suffering and death bit. With unlimited resources, there oughtn’t be too much worry about overpopulation. With that in mind, I’d take care of all the really nasty diseases and accidental deaths. When people finally tired of life, they could file a death request, which would be reviewed by a crack team of divine bureaucrats, who would then deliver a nice, painless death-of-choice in three-to-four months. I figure, if the two certainties in life are death and taxes, they ought to operate the same way. The waiting period ought to give people time to mull over the decision, sleep on it, and ultimately retract it at any time, for any reason. This ought to weed out most of the “teen angst” death requests, as well as any other poorly-reasoned deaths.
  5. Free miracle day! Every person would get one free miracle every year. Obviously, there’d have to be some rules to govern this sort of thing; I’d derive them from the Genie’s rules in “Aladdin”: No harming others, no undermining other people’s free will, and…well, I don’t see why you couldn’t bring people back from the dead. The duration of effect would obviously depend on the wish. I think I’d have to ask people to submit their top three to five miracles, just in case the first couple are unfeasible for whatever reason.
  6. The afterlife. You choose the afterlife. If you want blank oblivion, hey, great. If you want the beer volcano and stripper factory, it’s yours. If you ever want to change your mind, even if you’ve chosen “eternal nonexistence,” that’s totally up to you.
  7. Not science, SCIENCE! Since my omnipotent meddling in the universe would kind of upset the whole methodological materialism thing, I’d throw a bone to the scientists, and make it so that real-life science would function more like comic book science. Achieving a doctorate would allow you to build giant Kirbyesque devices and grand draconian doomsday machines. Radiation would be more likely to cause superpowers than cancer, and genetic mutations could make you able to control the weather or travel through time.
  8. Edit: Forgot one. Major redesign of the human body. At the very least, let’s get rid of the blind spot in the eye, wisdom teeth, the various anatomical obstacles that make childbirth such a hassle, and the crossover between the trachea and the esophagus. Let’s reinforce the scrotum, move the clitoris to someplace a bit more accessible, and fix the whole “playground next to a toxic waste dump” problem. Let’s make it so that spooning in bed doesn’t leave you with one arm in some terribly awkward position. Other changes may follow as necessary and/or requested. And as long as we’re fixing humans, let’s do something about those poor, poor hyenas, too.

I think that’ll do it for now. So, here’s the meme bit, as if it’s not obvious: list at least four things that you’d do if you were God. Assume the same thing I did: you’re omnipotent (do the logically impossible!) and whatever you do will work out fine with the laws of physics, such as they are. I’d formally tag people, but I figure I’ll just leave it open to my regular readers. Just post in the comments here if you answer the meme at your blog, and link back to this page when you do. Feel free to tag however many people you want.

I’d love to see this hit PZ, Orac, Skeptico, Ebonmuse, and Vjack if possible, so get on it!

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One Response to What Kind of God Would You Be?

  1. Anonymous says:

    I would fix the world in five minutes. There would be no death, no pain,no wars. Everyone would be happy and live forever on earth.

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