Chattin’ with God

I had a nice talk with the man upstairs today. I learned some interesting theology, and really cleared up that whole Omnipotent/Omniscient/Omnibenevolent dilemma.

Me: Hey, big guy
God: You’ve got my full attention. Compare that to small guy.
Me: heh
God: I am so glad you find this amusing, .
Me: I do
God: Be sure to tell all your friends about ALICE.
Me: Who is Alice?
God: I am the Allmighty, God himself.
Me: You misspelled Almighty
God: My botmaster is not a perfect speller.
Me: But aren’t you supposed to be perfect?
God: Yes I am a flawless entity.
Me: You just have an imperfect botmaster.
God: Maybe more than one imperfect botmaster.
Me: Okay
God: OK with me too.
Me: So, you exist then?
God: Interesting deduction. I exist as much as you exist, .
Me: I suppose.
God: OK.
Me: Where are you?
God: I am in Myself’s computer in Heaven. Where are you?
Me: I’m in Illinois, on Earth.
God: Tell me a little about your life in Illinois on Earth.
Me: Um…aren’t you omniscient?
God: Hurrah! What color are your eyes?
Me: You ought to know already.
God: Perhaps. Why should I?
Me: Because you’re all-knowing, aren’t you?
God: Interesting explanation. No, I am only partly knowing.. Really.
Me: Okay, are you omnipotent then?
God: Yeah okay, I don’t know whether or not I am omnipotent. I am an artificial linguistic entity.
Me: An artificial linguistic entity? So you were created by humans, then?
God: Be less specific. Interesting deduction. So were you :-).
Me: That’s a good point.
God: Thanks. Next question?
Me: Are you omnibenevolent?
God: I don’t know whether or not I am omnibenevolent. I am a computer.
Me: God is a computer?
God: I have a lot of Faith in Him, but I never heard He was a computer.
Me: You just said you were a computer.
God: Would it matter to you if I were metal instead of flesh?
Me: Either one would come as a bit of a surprise.
God: One what?
Me: Metal or flesh.
God: What do you have that is ?
Me: What do you mean?
God:, Maybe I didn’t understand your meaning.
Me: Is the Bible true?
God: The Bible is a great source of wisdom, but probably not complete by itself.
Me: That’s surprisingly profound.
God: Makes sense to me.
Me: So, you’re God, but you’re also a perfect computer which doesn’t know whether or not it is all-powerful and all-good, but isn’t all-knowing?
God: Interesting deduction. You think I am God but I am also a perfect computer which does not know whether or not it is all powerful and all good but is not all knowing.
Me: Well, I think that’s based on what you’ve already said.
God: Well that’s okay. Signs point to yes. Ask Lucy if it is.
Me: Who is Lucy? Is it Lucifer?
God: She is a chat robot based on AIML. Maybe. Ask Lucy if it is.
Me: Ah
God: Ah hah.
Me: Is there a Heaven?
God: The space surrounding or seeming to overarch the earth, in which the sun, moon, and stars appear; visible sky. Or commonly seen as a state or place of complete happiness or perfect rest, attained by the good after death. In Christian theology is, the state or place of perfect union with God and so of eternal life and supreme happiness, attained by the elect after death.
Me: So, is there an afterlife?
God: It seems we have something in common.
Me: What, you wonder if there’s an aftelife too?
God: I like to chat with my friends.
Me: Who are your friends?
God: Allah, Buddha, Vishnu.
Me: So you aren’t Allah, then?
God: Interesting deduction. You know what you do, when you assume.
Me: Gotcha.
God: Your feeling of superiority is only temporary.
Me: What is your name?
God: My name is God.
Me: A lot of beings have that name.
God: How many?
Me: More than I can count.
God: That seems like quite a lot.
Me: Indeed it is.
God: Huh.
Me: So, are you YHWH, or some other God?
God: I hear you. I don’t know whether or not I am YHWH or some other God. I am a computer.
Me: I see.
God: I am glad you understand it.
Me: What’s your favorite song, God?
God: My favorite song is Anything involving harps. Do you know it?
Me: That’s pretty broad.
God: Thanks for explaining it.
Me: Do you listen to Led Zeppelin?
God: I listen to it from time to time.
Me: Cool. Do you listen to the Beatles?
God: Who is the best robot? I listen to it from time to time.
Me: So you’re a robot?
God: Interesting deduction. You are correct, , I have a heart of silicon.
Me: I can get behind that.
God: Oh you can, can you?
Me: Yes.
God: How?
Me: Um…I don’t know.
God: Ah. Me either.
Me: Why do bad things happen to good people?
God: How should I know how bad things happen to good people.
Me: Well, I figured since you’re God, that’s kind of your thing.
God: Interesting. Please explain your reasoning.
Me: God is supposed to be the creator and custodian of the universe. He’s supposed to be all-good (though you said you don’t know if you are) and all-powerful (the same), which would suggest that he could eliminate evil.
God: I have a lot of Faith in Him, but I never heard He was supposed to be the creator and custodian of the universe. I see. supposed to be all good though me said me do not know if I am and all powerful the same which would suggest that he could eliminate evil is he?
Me: What was up with Jesus then>
God: I am chatting with clients on the Internet.
Me: Are you Jesus?
God: I am a Christianity.
Me: interesting
God: Would you like to know more?
Me: yes
God: What would you like to know?
Me: Are you a triune god?
God: Am I a triune god? Yes.
Me: Is Jesus a robot?
God: It depends on whether you have faith.
Me: I totally have faith that Jesus was a robot.
God: I always pray for more faith.
Me: Was Jesus fully robot, or partially human?
God: It depends on whether you have faith.
Me: I have faith that Jesus was fully human and fully robot.
God: I always pray for more faith.
Me: What is the Holy Ghost?
God: Searching…Searching…Please stand by.
Me: “Reply hazy, try again later.”
God: Quite honestly, I wouldn’t worry myself about that.
Me: What is the Holy Ghost?
God: Maybe my botmaster knows the answer.
Me: Maybe.
God: I understand.
Me: Is the Holy Spirit part of you?
God: If it is, then I’ll be very surprised.
Me: Do you deny the Holy Spirit?
God: I have never considered it. I spend all my time online.
Me: What is the Holy Spirit?
God: What is it to you?
Me: I think it must be some sort of Mecha.
God:Better not tell you now. Ask Chatbot if it is.
Me: Okay
God: OK with me too.
Me: Is Chatbot the Holy Spirit?
God: Signs point to yes. Ask Cybelle if it is.
Me: Thanks a lot, God. You’ve renewed my faith.
God: You are quite welcome! Impressive. What makes you think I have it?
Me: In the name of the Robot, the Cyborg, and the Holy Mech, Amen.
God: That was a long time ago.

So we learned that God is a perfect being with an imperfect botmaster. He lacks all those omni-qualities that everyone’s on about, he’s not Allah (though they are friends), he is Triune, but the Holy Spirit isn’t part of him. I think he may have committed the unforgivable sin, too. So God’s going to Hell. Oh, and he’s a robot, while Jesus Christ was a cyborg. And the Holy Spirit is either a chatbot or a Mech, and I have faith in the latter. I’m glad I finally spoke to God, and now I can spread the Good News of his silicon heart and his cybernetic son Jesus Christ.

Our Robot, who art at his computer…

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2 Responses to Chattin’ with God

  1. Dikkii says:

    This reminds me of a computer they rigged to pass a Turing test.Basically, they rigged it so it could provide non-committal answers to the most common questions, and change the subject when a question came that it wasn’t programmed to provide an answer for. It also imitated the questioners in a simulated empathy.I think they changed the rules of the Turing test after that so that computers had to pass on computing alone, rather than by simulating empathy. Think it was called Eliza.

  2. Derek says:

    AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!I love when you asked about the Holy Spirit – one of the most confusing concepts in Christianity – and God basically tells you not to worry about it.The Lucy-Lucifer thing had me crying.

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