The Gospel of Slacker Jesus

If you haven’t yet read True Christianity, I’d recommend it. It sets up much of what goes on in this post.

Imagine if you will a Jesus Christ who did not walk the land, preaching a message of peace and love and empowerment. Imagine instead a Christ whose only special trait was being the totally human, totally divine son of God. The newly found Terminally Ill Sea Scrolls give us an intimate look into the life of this Jesus who may never have been. The following is an excerpt, freshly translated from those ancient tomes. I bring you, exclusively, the Gospel of Slacker Jesus.

AND it came to pass in the land of Jerusalem, in the basement of the parents of the Lord, that the LORD Jesus Christ and his apostles did sit upon the couch. The Lord did lick his fingers, for they were orange, and the flavor was good.
“My brothers,” said Jesus. “Verily, I say unto thee, this bag of Cheetos is empty. My stomach, the stomach of the Lord, is like unto this empty bag: empty. I ask, who among you will go forth into the wilderness to fetch more snacks?”
James did speak first. “My Lord, I did purchase snacks the last time, and we did partake, and lo, they were good.”
“Yes James, I remember,” said Jesus.
Judas lamented, “My Lord, I cannot purchase snacks, for I have only thirty silver pieces in my purse.”
Jesus told Judas to cast down the pieces of silver, that they may contribute to the buying of snacks, and so Judas did cast down his purse.
“My Lord, it is Peter’s turn,” said Matthew.
Peter denied before them all, saying “I know not what thou sayest.”
“Indeed, my Lord,” said Philip. “It is Peter’s turn.”
And again he denied with an oath, “I do not know whose turn it is.”
“Surely it is thy turn, for thy speech betrayeth thee,” said Judas.
Then he began to curse and swear, and immediately the cock crew.
“Verily,” said John. “I hear the cock.”
“You did say cock,” said Jesus. The apostles laughed, for the word was humorous.
“My lord,” said Thomas. “It is not Peter’s turn. I say unto thee that it is Matthew’s turn. Of this I have no doubt.”
Jesus spoke. “Go forth, then, Matthew, for my munchies do multiply while we remain idle.”
And so it came to pass in those days that Matthew gathered up the silver and tied up his sandals and did go forth into the wilderness to become a fisher of Cheetos and Hostess Snack Cakes and Mountain Dew. And the apostles would feast, and they would thank Matthew, and it would be good.
And after a while, but before Matthew returned, Mary came down the stairs, and when she saw her son, the Lord Jesus Christ, she was troubled at his lounging.
Then Mary said unto the Lord, “Jesus Christ! Thy father’s house is a house of order for all guests, but ye have made it into a den of filth! Thou shalt pick up thy wine glasses and thy candy wrappers, and thou shalt take out the garbage, or thou shalt not take the donkey this weekend, young man!”
“But mother,” said Jesus. “I do have a date with Mary, and I do need the donkey!”
“Then ye will clean this basement, or ye will be grounded.”
Jesus wept.

As our scholars continue to translate the content of these Terminally Ill Sea Scrolls, we will continue to bring you more of this lost Gospel.

The point of the Gospel of Slacker Jesus is not to belittle people’s religious beliefs, nor is it to insult or cast doubt upon the existence of Jesus Christ. It is meant to remind people that Jesus’s teachings are the important part of Christianity. It is not enough that Jesus be born to a virgin and die for the sins of humankind; what made Jesus noteworthy was his message. If not for his message, he never would have caused trouble for the Romans, and he never would have been crucified for the world’s sins. Slacker Jesus, who does not act and does not spread Christ’s message, is not a Jesus worth worshipping. Anyone can be born, anyone can die, what came between is what made Jesus matter. That’s what will make you matter too.

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